Relationship (marriage) Where do we start?
Why is relationship so sought after, yet so misunderstood?
Before birth
We spend 9 months in our mothers womb. We learn to adjust to our mothers womb and her environment. We learn to adapt to either a positive or a negative flow of energy. When we emerge into the world we are subject to a different set of stimulations. We are very dependent upon our parental and adult group. Initially our parents, family and social interactions seem to reflect what others think of us or what others would like us to think of ourselves.
First stages of life after birth
During the first stages of life we reflect what is mirrored to us via the adults in our life and listening to the biological needs of our new body. The question arises how were those adult mirrors polished ~ shaped when they were growing up.
If the adult mirrors were shaped by themes of control, doing certain behaviors to be praised then the mirrors are like those in the funnyhouses ~ all twisted and distorted. If the adult mirrors are distorted by their own lack of value and importance, they create a stormy path for the child. Preteen Years are spent blending in or possibly rebelling.
What is relationship?
Relationship is an exchange of energy.
That energy could be in a positive or a negative flow which can not be bound in a framework created by lawyers or religions dictums.
How do we feel the energy ?
How do we choose the energy.?
Mirrors that shape our relationships
Initially We sense this energy from mirrors.
Parental Mirrors
Our parental figures, our relatives, our religions, our schools form the mirrors that seem to reflect who we are and what we need to be about.
Are these mirrors accurate reflections of who we are?
Or are they distorted mirrors from the funny house, shaped by the influence of family history, religions, societal norms?
As a child do we use our parental models as prime examples of who we are supposed to be like. Do their models create a safety zone of the norm?
Adolescence ~ time for change?
Dr. Erickson indicates that ideally during adolescence we have the potential to correct the curvature of the mirrors and begin to establish our own perceptions and personality.
Marriage ~ Family Team or Conflict
When we decide to form a union with someone, get married the focus of the mirror broadens. The focus is to cherish and please not only the self but the other as well. When I ask a couple who is the most important person in their life, they answer my partner, my children. They are shocked when I tell them they have guessed incorrectly. The most important person in their life has to be themselves.
Key to successful intimacy
How does a person phantom the essence of who they are. They must allow a sense of quietness, moments of breathe. In the quiet, they can discover two wonderful realities —- I AM. I Am is an assertion of who they truly are. If they continue with the silence, they make an additional discovery I AM Who AM or who Dr. Hawkins calls the “Eye of the I from which nothing is hidden“ … the Source. I am and I am who am are intimately united
Why is the mirror and the breathe so important?
Although parents and partners are important,
they may not help you tap into who you are and who I am who am is.
Indeed where does this energy come from?
The Breathe and intimacy with the self
In the quiet of the breathe, we can discover who we are, what our talents are. I believe we each have unique talents and qualities that make us who we are.
Our parents, models of what it is like to be human, may or may not help us discover our talents and who we are.
As a teenager deep breathing, spending time in nature can guide us to be who we are.
Religions and cultural activities may try to shape us but it it not until we begin to explore and appreciate nature that we begin to understand.
Two Ingredients for Intimacy
I feel that Jesus’ ministry brought things together for us.
First acknowledge And develop a positive relationship with the Source, I am who am. Source is where all development comes from.
The next thing is to love all other creatures, our brothers and our sisters as we love ourselves.
It is important to be grateful for all our blessings. Gratitude fuels the development of our talents and helps us radiate positive energy.
Some couples think their love for someone else is their main task. Some even believe that their love is so strong that they can correct the distorted mirrors of their partner. It is not until a person can master themself that they can witness a direction or be a source of strength for others
Native American Tradition
According to native American traditions.they believe
“During the first married year the couple discovers whether they can agree with each other. And be happy.. If not they part and look for other partners. If we were to live together and disagree, we should be as foolish as the white people.’’ Black Hawk, Sauk
Pre-Cana workshop
The catholic church tries to help us sort out the variables of a marriage relationship. They offer a series of workshops called Pre-cana conferences. The Conferences deal with
- Communication and conflict resolution
- Finances and budgeting
- Family of origin and traditions
- Intimacy, sexuality, and Natural Family Planning
- Children, parenting, and family values
- Faith and the theology of marriage
Although these topics are discussed with the couple I do believe each of these topics has to be sorted out by each individual first.
As an individual can we communicate openly and resolve issues without feeling less of a person… without making the other feel less of a person? Do we share mutual interest’s? Can we function as a team per the tribal customs supported by the native American Tradition.
With Finances can we work with a spreadsheet?
Can we visualize the flow of income …. Can we prioritize expenditures?
With each family of origin can we sort out what we were taught and create new models of relationship for our new family unit?
Can we wait until we have experience under our belt with our partner before we have children? Can we work as a team to help the children develop their values? Can we help the children find their qualities and talents? Can we blend our life with our chosen partner, and children to form a family team. Can we share warmth, affection and sexual expression with our partner?
All the points above are important details to ease the challenges of creating a powerful intimate team.These details are more important when a couple wants to have children.With the arrival of children, sleep time shrinks, activities increase.
Unhappy marriages ~ legal divorces
I share these thoughts because I have come across to many couples who have not prepared themselves for the intimate union of a family team. These couples who have not first invested in themselves individually suffer either from a divorce or a lifetime of unhappiness. When each person does not invest in the relationship with themselves, they also retard the growth of their children. They model an example for the children that will not lead to a healthy or happy adulthood.
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