“if you love someone enough you can change them” Really???

“if you love someone enough you can change them” Really???

I was talking with a group of people about relationships, particularly a love relationship. One person said “we’ve gotten into the belief that if we love someone enough, no matter where they are at in their personal life, we can change them to become more positive or more loving toward us.”

What do you think about his comment? Can we change someone else if we love them enough? 

Seems like many religions, cultural groups and even some within the mental health providers community seem to think this is possible.

The person who shared the initial thought when he said “we’ve gotten into the belief …” was letting us know that we have been influenced by patterns of other peoples thoughts.

I  have met many people who believed the above statement and persist in staying in toxic relationships, at work, with a friend, or in the intimacy of a close relationship.

They wonder how much love, or how long will it take for them to change the person they are trying to love. They then blame God, it will happen when God wills it. Perhaps they believe that God wants them to endure the suffering of putting up with a toxic relationship for the benefit of the other person, perhaps to learn something from suffering or to gain a reward in the afterlife.

My experience, meditation and being a student of life, tells me such a person or thought process is chasing ‘fools’ gold.

God gives us free choice. If God gives us free choice, are we foolish enough to think we can rob a person of their poor choices or toxic behavior? They have chosen a path or lifestyle that gives them the illusion of fulfillment. The only one who can change that path or lifestyle is themself.

The above example reminds me of what some addicts say, “I’ll change when I hit bottom.” The reality is ~ there is no bottom, a person can go down the road of disfunction forever in this earthly life. This is the reason some addicts never recover from their addiction.

Being a Catholic~Buddhist, I am struck by the words of jesus in the new testament. The religious leaders of the time, tried to mess with Jesus by getting him to endorse the concrete list of the ten commandments. Jesus response was simple, profound and upset the apple cart. He said the first advice (commandment … is a word used by religions to push compliance) is to chose to allow oneself to develop a loving relationship with God … to embrace the relationship with God. It is a personal challenge to embrace the goodness and abundance of God. It is a choice. It has nothing to do with suffering for another. The second part of Jesus’ advice was equally disturbing. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Loving yourself first requires you to take good care of yourself. Taking good care of yourself requires you to put boundaries with someone or something that is toxic for you.

Taking care of yourself requires you to separate from toxic negative people and circumstances. Only when you separate from that which is toxic, can you find your true path and happiness, your true connection with Source Energy (God).  

The invitation of the first advice (commandment) is still available to the toxic person.

Only if the toxic person allows themself to open up, connect with Source Energy (God) and change the way they behave, will they change. Change must come from within the self. If it comes from outside it is superficial and done to comply with an external  group.

Please let me know your thoughts about what I presented.