“What makes love last?” Do numbers have the answer?

     “What makes love last?” Do numbers have the answer? A review of Dr. Gottman's book, 

“What makes Love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal: Secrets from the Love Lab” 

     Life is a paradox. When you think of love, do you think of numbers?  When I think of love, I think of warm ~  caring feelings, an embrace, a kiss. I think about the positive personal vibrational interaction between two people.

     Dr. John Gottman looks at love through a “trust metric,”
i.e. a mathematical measurement to evaluate the love dynamic between people. He uses this metric to spot problems in intimate relationships, help people work through problems or predict whether the relationship will last or not.

     His book, “What makes Love last? How to build trust and avoid betrayal: Secrets from the Love Lab” uses extensive research in the area of couples and codifies the behavior of the couples as a couple and as individuals to explore their love relationship.

     As a healer, I am fascinated the congruence of his work with what I teach in my course “Quantum Psychology of  Relationships.”  My work focuses on my experience, knowledge base and my observations of people and couples. I focus not on the numbers or a mathematical measurement but rather on energy exchanges between people.

     In part, Dr. Gottman uses questionnaires, video, direct observation and structured interviews, over time to study couples. He talks about how these research tools enable him to go beyond the words that the couple use. The tools that he uses enable him and his team to tune into the vibrational energies that are shared between the two individuals that are attempting to dance … i.e. live as a couple.

     The emotional energies that he looks for are energies of connection or disconnection.

     Connection means treasuring the partner, treating them with respect and wanting to satisfy their needs. Trust, honesty, openness, acceptance, humor, joy, validation, empathy and faith in your partner are essential to a solid love relationship. He looks at an intimate relationship as an exclusive zone between two people.

     The positive qualities are attunement, caring, a desire to be with one another and developing the “Art of Intimate Conversation. The author state, True Love “… is to revere each other and be grateful that you are in each other’s life.”

     Disconnection involves distancing, serving oneself rather than your partner or inflicting hurt or retaliation to the partner. Disconnection leads to the “Roach Motel for Lovers.”

     The negative qualities that pose a risk to couples are grouped into “The Four Horsemen” which are: The First horseman is “Wreak Havoc” which encompasses negative communication; Second horseman is Criticism which is talking about an issue in a way that devalues the person; The Third horseman is Contempt, which “… implies the partner is inferior;” and the Fourth Horseman is  Defensiveness, which will merely cause the conflict to continue.

     The author provides two types of exercises.

The first set of exercise in his book help each person in a couple relationship become more aware of their own emotions and behavior. The second type of exercise helps a couple evaluate where they are as a couple and helps them discover what areas they need to work on to improve their relationship.

     Despite his “metric” orientation, he provides solid emotional energy guidance in forming, and healing a relationship. He also points out when the emotional energy is so negative, that being a couple or continuing as a couple is ill advised.

     I highly recommend Dr. Gottman’s book. It is an easy read and a very useful guide to intimate relationship.

1 Gottman, J. and N. Silver (2012). What makes love Last? how to build trust & avoid betrayal: Secrets from the love lab. New York, Simon & Schuster.

            Dr. Gottman reveals secrets of Successful Love